What is the value of working so hard for an organization that states they value the veteran but in reality you are a number regardless of veteran status? Is the value solely for the organization in an effort to “check the block” and tell congress they employ x number of vets? Every month, every week, every day; there is an email from higher stating some initiative of appreciation of the veteran. Ptsd awareness month, womens appreciation, veterans of foreign wars recognition, the PACT act and countless others that deserve some form of recognition. But what about the employee that qualifies for each of those initiatives? What do they get? Well, from my five years of experience, I can tell you that we get nothing. They get an increased workload with unrealistic expectations to perform. I’m not after a million dollars for what I would consider my responsibility to our nation. I’m not after an all expenses paid one month vacation. A series of kind words can only do so much. Because the reality of working for an organization like mine is more work with less time to do it without further compensation and minimal resources to complete your assigned tasks. Major companies that contribute to our society have changed and placed more emphasis of the quality of life of each employee so why can’t the government who employs literal heroes? Heroes who had the balls to do what 90% of Americans won’t or can’t do. I would like to change my narrative and work for a major contributor to society but my reality is I don’t qualify to work at these major companies. My qualifications are governmental functions. My degree is laughed at by major companies. My certifications are laughed at as well.
Passed Over for Promotion
I have been passed over for promotion in all positions (military and civilian). Which is super common to all job seekers. This isnt a new phenomenon. I know millions that have come before me have experienced the same thing.
This gives me a series of emotions from “hey, fuck them-cool I’ll do better next time-I wasn’t the right person.” Each are excuses. Excuses don’t fulfill dreams and they don’t pay bills. There must be a winner and there must be a loser. But damn, man.
That feeling of inadequacy is devastating. I’m not ok with this feeling. I am not ok with the thought. I am not ok with going back to my existing position as if nothing happened. I am going to carry callus. I am going to carry remorse.I am going to carry the thought process that I am better than this position. Rejection is difficult. However, I am an adult and am required to muscle through as of nothing happened. I have not had a drink in 37 months. This incident makes me want one. However, I can see in the future and the future is a hangover and furthermore will make me angry about the progress I lost.
I normally send myself emails as a form of therapy full of my rants but that hasn’t produced the fulfillment I’d hoped for so I am trying something new. FB is a place to share family and jokes so I am giving this an attempt in an effort to help me and am beyond hesitant sharing but feel the need to.
Professional Graduation
I’m laying in bed, reflecting on todays professional events. I did not complete one item on my to do list. After the subject came up/topic after topic/random occurrence requiring research/overall, items requiring significant attention. Random, yet valid, and odd emails came into my inbox which led to additional phone calls further leading to well written emails resulting in additional time spent that I don’t have to spare.
All of that occurred and yet I had zero personal production, in my opinion. I have zero worry that nothing I needed to get done was completed. Typically, I would be worried about this very thing in the evening hours. However, that isn’t happening today and I love it.
While here laying in bed waiting on Jay to go to sleep; it dawned on me. This is growth, this is professional maturity that I have never been able to obtain until today. I hope it continues because it’s beyond refreshing. It’s liberating and I can’t ignore this feeling which is the primary reason for this entry.
Over the last few years I’ve grown professionally as far as my knowledge, know how, or overall have become the person lots of people gravitate to because you understand what the right answer is or “what right looks like.” I may not know the right answer off the cuff but I can navigate to the right answer rapidly further solidifying the reason why people are gravitating towards me.
In my opinion, which was developed years prior (while I was enlisted), in order to be an effective leader; you will have had to do time in the trenches, be where the rubber meets the road, and actually spend time there. Although, the time spent in this professional area can be painful, the investment will pay extraordinary dividends. This very topic was a point of emphasis with Bill (my contracting mentor) who recently retired. He saw that the upper tiers of management and people of significant influence bypassed that very process. Not all of them, but for the few that this applies to, it was very much apparent and visible at my level during some of the briefings, reviews we had to encounter, and trainings I have attended.
My leadership tactic has matured and changed over time. I used to lead through intimidation and fear. I used to be loud and obnoxious. I was a toxic leader. Today, however, I am much more laid back, reasonable, workable, neutral, not arrogant, and hopefully not toxic. All of which are not natural to me and are learned behaviors. I hope I am doing right by people. I hope there is zero hatred
Towards me. Also, while teach people and showing them how to do this complex job, I hope I am being thorough, thoughtful to their respective learning style, and adapt accordingly. Moreover, I want for
Those I’m coaching to want (not just need to) To seek my thoughts and counsel. I will see how this leadership tactic I have adopted works out in the future, but for now that is the rhetoric I am telling myself.
I like the feeling of being that person and am taking that role to heart. I’m also taking the new found role of being a Mentor or A Coach to heart. I have yet to see the fruits of my efforts but what I am seeing is the essential light come on in someone’s head. Once I see them implement what was taught, demonstrated, or Overall show me what has been learned then I will know if my tactics are working.
Confused
In the military, you simply move on. Everyone is essentially the same but the location is different. This is not the same in my current situation. My brain is struggling with this and can no longer navigate through a
Mountainous terrain. Send a mountain guide and further assistance. I’m positive I’ve encountered this crap in the past. But to be honest, the military had a way of
Placing the right people in the right location and time regardless if they were the right person for The above
Mentioned scenario. Those times were much simpler. I don’t miss the bullshit but I do miss the people. Perhaps this is where I’m supposed to internalize these
Feelings,
But
From experience, that thought process is bullshit and provides zero value to a reasonable decision making adult. I’m super salty but
I think I’ve earned it.
Anxiety
I don’t like this feeling. I hate it. I hate feeling guilty, worried, or somewhat concerned about shit that has happened or may happen? Regardless of the subject, the thought process comes with some weight to it. Like geometry, there is a “given” incorporated into the problem. And I associate essentially every feeling as a fucking problem. Why the fuck does happen? Why does my brain work this way? This is some rhetorical questions but I need to fucking address it. The way I’m currently addressing it, isn’t working. In the past; I was so arrogant and oblivious on how my actions impacted people, I didn’t think twice about it. Not
One lost thought on perhaps how I could have done X better or how I could have handled something more efficiently. Today on the other hand, I will drill down to such a detail that I will remember the aroma of where I’m at when the event occurred.
Sent from my iPhone
Connected Vets 